ACT ONE

THE UPROOT

Many say to grow where you are planted.
That leaving all your friends lacks in advantage.
But leaving doesn't feel like a much of a cantrip.
So why die on a hill when I can land on an airstrip.
I've planned this trip with a one way ticket,
Ready to rustle through the thick and out run the limits.
Only a few friends stand with the pickets saying I'm running from problems, and say I don't listen.
Well God will be there he doesn't have a dwelling place.
And the sick will be there to hear of his filling grace.
I know it's not a mask, you are seeing my face,
I want to help people feel alive, to see the savior and praise,
I know the flavor of my pride, and I've learned to detest the taste.
Don't worry I won't get lost in the waves.
I can't help that I'm convinced, ever since the pull of the spirit has rinsed my heart of suicidal tendencies. But this room feels empty.
I need to go, I don't know why but that is what I think it meant, when I applied and God put up that fence and opened this entrance, so what, his plans seem to go with my interests. You are just jealous.
I have no purpose here, I feel worthless here, I am just rusting,
You can trust me,
I know what's best, I'm adjusting
To this mess of a disagreement
The reason, I need to leave is not highlighted in pink, why do you think I am doing what's right for selfish old me? this trip is toll free, I know you don't care, but you won't even be there, so don't put pressure on a wound that isn't open to the air.
I'm not leaving for a broken dream or a pit of despair,
I'm leaving cause this school is an answered prayer, so don't look at me with that judging stare.
That look is not fair, seems like its just an old book, its not fair.

THE BLOOM

I've arrived,
Why did I feel deprived of my freedom, why did they say I was lying about reasons, My old friends Suck I don’t need them,
Don’t worry, I'm searching for churches, so urgently making sure, I keeping up with my verses. Keep up my worth with my friendships, I mean my worship.
I met a girl,
Not just a girl, a christian girl
Eyes on the mission girl,
Not a type to lose your vision girl.
So don’t worry I'm not in kahoots with the world.
I uprooted so she could bloom, this room will not be empty soon, cause she is already filling it,
but don't worry she won't consume.
I don’t know if I am trying to soothe me or you, I don't even know who I am writing this to,
my old friends, God, me or maybe it's a record that will get me through the pressure, but unless you're going to show yourself, maybe I should just call you Lesser.
Because whoever you are, you are just depressing.
Am I building a case against the wind?
Or just convincing myself, that it's okay to sin? Who will win?
All I know is the butterflies are waking up.
And if we get together, I doubt there will be breaking up,
I guess I'll ride the wave wherever it's taking us,
No need to make a fuss, I'm not stuck, my mind's made up.
This need for a God is fading just a little, but it will not fade,
it will not,
It will, just take shelter, seems this is better, oh god what am I saying?
What am I proposing? Oh my dear Rose, there's no way of knowing on which path that I'm going, or where the seed fell when the lord was sewing.
I'm hearing a break in the glass, this deep feeling is consuming too fast, I know there's no blood on the door, but reaper just pass. Reaper just pass.

THE WAVES

My mind floods with lust and thoughts so toxic,
Even with this belt of chastity you became the Locksmith.
With all these ghosts of rules keeping me so boxed in,
Is this what real love feels like, what does it cost then? If these are the waves, Lord, consider me lost.
I should feel in lots of despair, when I left my foster parent, but I dont seem to care, it merits a thought of prayer. But the thoughts feel fine when they're way over there. So far away and so frozen,
Oh Rose,
We both have masks, let's wear them together.
Intoxicated by your laugh, I could hear it forever.
Oh Rose, Your song has been sung, the bell has been rung, the air has left my lungs, underwater, yet loving the bitter taste on my tongue.
Maybe drowning but not caring cause the damage is done.
Oh Rose if this is the damage, then consider me in love.
Cause till now I have been famished, and I am convinced you're the one.
A love poem without a cliche, is like a bullet without a gun.
But honestly you give me light, like you are the sun.
I whisper in your ear the risks I would take, and promises I would never break. And you would repeat them to me, saying to eachother, we are the first and the only.
Some say it's dependence, but they are just jealous, holding a weapon for no reason, just guessing. No need to be dramatic, I am not a Rose addict. But those tactics make me want to love her more actively. Just asking to see what's actually happening is okay but why so many asking me?
Why cant this just be real?
Oh rose,
Your finger thirsts for a diamond, your body craves a bed for us to lie in, the intoxication is that of the highest, caught somewhere between mystical and science.
When I felt I wanted a life with a co-pilot, I got down on one knee, if this is a mountain, let's climb it. Babe you were so silent, then let out a yes, so interesting how one word can make a moment so timeless.
But she should have read the hidden fine print. Not even I could find it.
I wish I could rewind this.

THE BETRAYAL

The ring looked so good on your finger, the thought, it still lingers, now that I'm going through the ringer.
Just a month, you were away, My heart black and blue, I felt the pull of my soul and the lack of you.
It was just a hole in my being, not being filled by your touch, too much missing you has had me out to lunch, with a friend that I trust.
She shared with me the sticks and stones that broke her bones, and my savior complex took over my body, now that I've abandoned God, we
went back just to talk, but I had a flawed intention.
I saw you in her and accepted her invitation.
I saw her heart flourish and my malnourishment led to encourage me hurting you through fornicating. Oh how broken your heart would be if you took a peek behind the curtain, it wasnt just flirting. And it wasn't just a slumber, let's just say two is now my number.
First and only to be broken by second and lonely. I know I brought this reckoning on me, but I think it's your fault for going.
Look at me, shifting the blame again, tucking in my shame so you look like a villain. I've failed. It's killing me, the thought of betrayel being all you see when you think of me.
Ripping at your bones, makes me want to grab a rope, take a pill or write a note. Cause I can't wash away this problem with soap and water, the blood is too fresh, and I have to confess the sins of my flesh. And if you would've been here, we wouldn't be in this mess!
But I love you to the deepest of depths. I was willing to go back to spiritual death, and make you what gives me breath.
Don't leave me, forgive me.
Believe me, I'm not kidding.
This room is spinning, Rose don’t let this be the ending.

ACT TWO

THE FEAR

There is no justification, for doing what I did while you were on vacation visiting your friends.
But I knew all good things come to an end we don't have to pretend, no defense is appropriate for defending my sins.
All I have left for me, is to beg and plead, hopefully you won't let this seize and implode and just see it as a bump in the road.
Cause I just want you to know. It wasnt premeditated, I was willing to wait, but it showed up like a storm on a peaceful day,
Dont let this weigh on us, crushed to the point of pain. I would probably pray if I didn't go back on my faith.
You were the waves that I was willingly swallowed by. You were the craving that was met with a lullaby. Though you were my grave, and you were my hollow point.
I'm making myself comfortable on the floor, i can't afford the cost of you anymore. I guess every wave ends up finding a shore.
Now my room is empty again, and I'm just another poet with a pen writing down feelings felt by many over and over again.
Losing sight of the future, cause it was always about you, cause I never imagined it without you. I spent so much time never doubting you, that it changed my count to two because I was threatend by the thought of losing you.
Was I just using you to excuse my actions, trapped by redactions I made to save your attraction to me. Cause I wanted you attached to me. The waves crashed into us. I'm sorry that I cashed in your trust, I put it all on the line, now I'm all out of funds.
But maybe this made it clear,
That losing you, Rose, wasn't real fear,
That it was the touch you gave, and the love that appeared, but still wasn’t enough.
Not the love of you, Rose, but the love of love.

THE FALLOUT

Morals fly out the window when shirts fly off the flesh, the death of a heart happens when you don't care who you take to bed, poison fills your core with a rage that's hard to handle, the scandal in the brain makes your passion light a candle. Leading you to a night with no intentions, just you inventing new ways to run away from God. Isnt it odd how the body works against the mind when you need the mind the most, isn't it gross.
I had to feed what was dwelling within, but it seemed as if no configuration of skin could fill me in. A puzzle without a final piece, and I feel as if my number is reaching the millions.
If Rose was a piece of forbidden fruit, then I have helped myself to a banquet. I have lost count of the pillows and blankets. This is as low as I can get. Where do you even go when you have nothing left?
My problems, they didnt only chase me, they robbed me, defaced me, you can't even see where my heart used to take place, it just all went away. All my friends, all my faith, all the means to the end, well the end has a date, and it was three months before, when the ring hit the floor. And so did my knees begging please, you're my life, give me more chances, Rosey bear, take a glance, my bones are laid bare.
I would look at those boys at school, and be ridiculed because I wasnt the cut cookie making wookie, therefore I wasnt cool, but what's cool about jumping from body to body like a parasite, prepared to fight anyone who says it isnt right. This is not a life, it is clearly black and white. What I am doing emits the lack of light.
I'm failing and I'm feeling bad.
Maybe God will take me back.
Maybe there's a prayer or words to say. Maybe there's a song to write or chords to play, to show that I am deeply in sorrow. Why die today when I can try tomorrow.

THE GRACE

Church meeting in an attic, invited by a friend who was an addict, First time in a church since my belt was shattered, being taught by a girl who was tatted, excited about it.
Didn't know what to expect, I was living in pure spiritual death, I hear the message, about grace and wrestling with depression because of a lack understanding the depths of God's blessings.
That no matter what I do, I can never be in his presence.
But the good news left her lips like a train crashing, look at all these chips I was trying to cash in, turns out they're just plastic. It's not about what I owe, cause he bought it all knowing maybe one day I'd ask for my name to be wrapped in plaster, never to be moved like an emaculate sculpture. He took on all of it, all the defeat, and the cheating, all the blood, it's been cleaned. The room is filled, my bare bones have been seen, and it's good to hear about God, and that he will never leave.
I didnt realize how wide his arms were extended to mend my defenseless life to no end, I've pretended my face had no mask, I defended my past, now I see the dependence.
Rose had me drowning in thorns and in sin you see, I made her my God and prayed to her continually.
I wanted the throne in her life as well, turns out that was an act of roaming a hell, a dwelling of rebellion, no respect for her, God or myself.
But the new man is who I am, I've been planted again.
This time with water, and sun and real friends.
I know now the feelings were fodder, and the real waves will come for me.
I am not perfect but I'm worthy, I don’t need skin to comfort me.
I feel the heat from under me, thunder beneath my feet from the demons hungry.
Saying that I need to retreat, I'll always be lonely, that no one cares to know me.
But Grace is working slowly weening me off the feeling of brokenness. The desire of feeling feelings, cause satan claims they make up me.
But that is not my definition, when I accepted christ I turned on a switch that made me significant despite my poor vision, recovering from an addiction, I can see what I was missing, that I worshipped a withering Rose, but ignored who had risen.

THE ANSWER

Did I see her again?
Did the feeling that was dwelling within fade into thin air, never to be repaired with a notebook and ink from a pen?
I saw her, the butterflies flickered but were ultimately dead and ghosted.
But yet they weren't eager to find another host.
I got my moment, that one that was lurking in the back of my dome, the one I thought would bring me home, the one that would prove that I wasn't alone.
With God on my side I felt indestructible, but feeling stuck with a soul unluckily put in a rough situation when we brought up our old tales of love.
Rose, sitting before me, 4 years of absence, I haven't had a feeling like this since the break of abstinence, like a shaking need for codependency, even though I know it's toxic. Now 4 years in the future, I fear that its mutual, shaken to the core, knowing, that you crave my touch, as much as I crave yours.
We kiss.
Thinking it may all rush back quickly like pain from a bee sting, and that the butterflies would wake, that wedding bells would ring, and my breath you would take,
But nothing happened, like it was staged, like it was fake. Its like finding out there's no way out when you get to the gate, like our love was on a page that someone ripped out and threw away.
Maybe that love was for control,
Why did God's spirit feel like a beautiful blemish on my selfish soul.
I would pray day and night, that God would wipe, the desire inside, for my ex-life, a past future wife, and the grasping of a last knife, accompanied by a note to write.
Now I sit here, bitterness multiplying like a cancer, that my prayer was answered. Sorry in advance lord. I know it was all nailed to a cross board, what am I feeling lost for?
I know I'm growing,
I messed up my heart knowing,
That one day I would have to face the truth, have to face the music, that I was abusive to you through manipulating a God that you knew, to fit the crown on my own head. Seems like what was dwelling within was found dead. Now I can apologize through a true loving lens. Now that the world is making sense, 6 years later, I can apologize for my sins, and from a wolf to a lamb, I can finally see the real color of the skin on my hands.
The blood has cleansed the blood
The love has cleansed the love,
And whats left for me, is a love thats finally enough.